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So hi again journal, I did not forget about you. I have just gone into a thought shell for a bit I think I am ready to come out of it. When I felt like posting again I had so many thoughts that felt ready to come out but now they feel slow to come. Thats okay, this post will probably just be a non coherent series of paragraphs filled with unrelated thoughts. Oh am I allowed to use brackets for side thoughts when I am writing (it does not matter because I will do what I want.)?
So here I am 23 years old, a BS in software engineering (yeah not really, that should say info sec, UAT does not know what they are talking about.), I have been working at Cavecreek Web Hosting for about a year and 8 months now. I still remember when I first started there, I thought I knew a bit and I had plenty of ambition. It quickly set in that I knew next to nothing. I don't know if this shows but I tend to get anxious in some situations. I have this ethic that when I do something I like to do a truly quality job of it. I don't like being in situations where someone is looking to me for answers and I am clueless. This happened a lot when I began working with phone calls, I would get anxious about knowing the answers to customers questions. I felt like I would be letting people down by not at least having an understanding of the problem in front of me. This also happened a lot with working on stuff in our cage. It probably seems worse in my head then itwas at the time, I rarely have that problem anymore.
I can't pinpoint the point when I went from the (god I don't want to use this word) noob to one of the more valuable members of the team. I think that it happened a bit before I give myself credit for it. I pick up on things quickly, it is how I have always been. I just find great pride in understanding things that not everyone may pick up on right away. I think some people think I am bragging or maybe even cocky. But I swear that is not it, I am just proud of my self. I just really want to share my thought process because I think it may help you understand as well. But that does not stop me from wanting to just do it myself if you are taking too long =P. But the odd thing is I don't really like to be complimented, especially if I don't ask for it/feel like I don't deserve it. I tend to try and turn it into a joke or kinda brush it off.
Okay back to the work thing, it started out with me realizing that I don't really know that much then slowly I started to feel a lot more confident in what I knew (looking back I still knew nothing). I was working with several people on my shift that were frankly lazy idiots. I really fell into this roll of needing to lead them to help get anything done. This was probably the worst period of working at Cavecreek. This was about a year ago, the sysadmin team was in no way a team. Shit was not getting done and there was a lot of tension. I was stuck in a roll that I should not have been. I had two very irresponsible people that I had to look after, however I was only slightly higher rank then them. Being a slightly higher rank then them was a problem in itself. They had both been there months longer then me and I got promoted almost right away while they never did. So I had to work with them in a way that did not seem too bossy. I don't mind the manager roll at all, in fact, I love it. It is just that when I am not regarded as that way it becomes very trying.
At the same time/slightly after is when I kinda hit a hole. I had tried the initiative thing a couple times but was shot down somewhat harshly by my boss for stepping on his toes. This is also the period were I started getting very close to a girl that I knew was not good for me. She was more or less perfect at face value or so I told my self. But there were things about her that I had previously been against. I went and did things that I never thought I would. I probably would have looked down on someone that did what I did. I don't want to list anything specific and I did not really do something rather I was an enabler. No surprise things began to go really bad really quickly. I feel like there was a good couple weeks to a month where my attention was nowhere close to work. It is really like me to only get comfortable and go after the wrong girl. That is just the story of my life so far.
So that stung for a bit but really not too long. There was a nice period after that were I really started to take care of myself. I once again found the pride in myself and my abilities. I began to go to the gym again daily and I was starting to get into decent shape again. This is also when I think things really started to click at work, I began to feel like a very important member of the team. In august of 07 I went to Defcon, it was a great time I got to catch up with a lot of people that I had neglected. There are really some good memories from that trip that I will always enjoy.
Not a lot really seems to stick out to me between then and now. I have been in a bit of a lull. I feel like I have continued to do well in my job but where has my personal life gone? Has it been given up for the sake of working and not having to go to bed before the sun comes up? I don't work out anymore, I have not for a long time. The things I used to enjoy like working out, camping, rock climbing etc... seem to be a distant memory. What happened? Have I really just started to become very lazy? I have been feeling so unfulfilled with work and life in general. I suppose these doubts are the price we pay for these complex brains we have. They themselves get bored firing the same neurons everyday(is that the right thing?).
I believe a change to be coming, my social life has really been picking up a lot lately it has been fun. Maybe I can actually meet someone that is not bad for me. That is if I can get past my inability to talk to someone I like one on one. I always have the fear that maybe I am just a boring person to some people. I had decided about 5 months ago that I was 100% ready to get out of AZ. I felt this was a very important step in my life. I applied for some jobs in San Francisco and got some very promising leads. Unfortunately everything seemed to be falling through, I started to worry that I would just find another unfulfilling job.
The time about 5 months ago coincides with the time that I really felt like I started to wake up to the happenings in the world. The horrors that our country has really began to turn into. It is not too long after failing to find a job in San Francisco that I decided that I wanted to do something with my life that really matters. I decided that once I turn 25 I will attempt to join into the peace corps. This is something that every time I think about it I get really excited. I can't wait to accomplish some things in the next couple years before I go into the peace corps.
I figured it was best to just stay in AZ for the next 2 years. I decided to apply for a different department inside of our company. It would be a nice promotion for me, more money etc. But that is not why I wanted it, the job was more challenging as well as more responsibility. I think I may actually miss that anxious feeling I get when I don't know something. I want to be challenged again, I don't want to just keep helping out the lowlife customers that tend to sign up for our services at Cavecreek.
I had previously heard that I may be a shoe-in for the position. The only problem is that it was taking forever to hear anything back from them. The word was I did great in the interview but they were concerned that I have not been doing this work for long enough to be really good at trouble shooting. Roughly a month past after my interview bringing us to a couple days ago. Out of nowhere I find out that I am being moved to first shift. To make a long story short there was some super secret reason that I was being moved. I was given a better shift over a supervisor/someone that has been there longer to come to first shift. This was very very odd so I knew something had to be up. My manager talked to me today to let me know that CCBill said they really liked me but they are not ready to have me as one of their admins. However I was informed that our projects team manager (projects is a higher position inside of cavecreek) was told to keep an eye on me for possibly bringing me over to their team.
This is all very good, CCBill is not out of the picture down the road and I can probably push for that projects position. My manager was really talking highly of me today. Of course I did not really acknowledge it but deep down it did feel good. I now solidly know that I am one of the best members of the team. The worst case scenario I could probably pick up a Sr. admin position in a couple of month or so.
So yeah most of this post was about work, I am not sure if that was good or bad. I start my new shift this coming Thursday. This is really my chance to get myself back and moving on track. I need to begin working on my goals before I turn 25.
Wow this was long, I will keep up with this again... it really feels good.
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brithepenguin's journal
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